I don't. Machines do it. I just write the stories that go in them.
Who are your favourite illustrators that you've worked with
Doffy Weir, Korky Paul, Chris Fisher, Chris Smedley, Chris Mould, Margaret Chamberlain, Nick Sharratt, Steve Smallman - and these are just a few.
Once, Quentin Blake illustrated one of my stories - I was so thrilled.
How many books have you had published
Not sure. Over a hundred and thirty.
Where do you get ideas from
The newspaper, dreams, books, things people say and do in real life.
Do you know Jacqueline Wilson
Yes. She is lovely.
Do you know the queen
No. But I think she knows me. Every time I get a letter, she sticks on a little picture of herself.
Can I have your autograph
Yes. I will sign your torn off piece of paper which you will drop in the playground.
Where is the strangest place you've ever read a book
In the bath. In a helicopter. Not at the same time, though.
And J K Rowling
Yes, before she got really famous. She often rings me up and asks for tips. (Only joking about the last bit).
Are you famous
I don't know. Am I? If so, why don't I get sent free stuff?
How do you do the pictures
I don't. I can't draw. Proper artists do them for me.
Can I stop asking questions now
Yes. I'm tired of this bit too, let's go somewhere else.